Tángeyoo (Part 2).

(In continuation)

Thank You for . . .

2. Not Giving Me All My Heart Desires

Sometimes, my desires become idols in my life. Most of them are “good” desires, but my grasping, clutching, & discontentment reveal what place they really have in my heart — first place, rather than Christ being in first place with all these things in subordination to Him.

But while they have such a hold on my heart, I’m thankful He never gives them at the cost of “leanness” in my soul. I’m thankful that He does not give me the gifts as long as they are given preference in my heart over Christ.

It’s been difficult but good to pray that He would never give me material for idolatry (i.e., the giving of His gifts while they are idols in my heart) & that He would give only when Christ is first & preeminent in my decisions & affections. When Christ alone is worshiped.

I read this excerpt from John Piper a few years ago, but I was sweetly reminded of it via Courtney recently (thanks, sis):

Until your soul has a thirst for Christ as the bread of life & the living water, you will use Christ for what your soul thirsts after. Many people who claim to have saving faith simply use Christ to get what they really want, which is not Christ but His gifts . . . Is He or His gifts your treasure?
(John Piper in Let the Nations Be Glad!)

God is not capricious, giving & withholding based on mood or other arbitrary fluctuations. (He is not like us.) He is good & “God only wise.”

Knowing that, I’m to cling to Christ alone & the truths He’s revealed in His Word (note: my circumstances are not exactly comparable to the ones described below, at least in context of the verses, but the truths of God & the heart attitudes revealed in them are truths to hide in my heart):

“Salvation belongs to the LORD . . .” (Psalm 3:8 )

“But I trust in You, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hands . . .” (Psalm 31:14-15)

“Oh, taste & see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! Oh, fear the LORD, you His saints, for those who fear Him have no lack! The young lions suffer want & hunger; but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.” (Psalm 34:8-10)

“Delight yourself in the LORD, & He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him, & He will act.” (Psalm 37:4-5)

“For the LORD God is a sun & shield; the LORD bestows favor & honor. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O LORD of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in You!” (Psalm 84:11-12)

“Our God is in the heavens; He does all that He pleases.” (Psalm 115:3)

“The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD.” (Proverbs 16:33)

“The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He will.” (Proverbs 21:1)

“‘The LORD is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in Him.’ The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.” (Lamentations 3:24-26)

“For the Gentiles seek after all these things, & your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God & His righteousness, & all these things will be added to you.” (Matthew 6:32-33)

“& we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28 )

“He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:31)

“So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy.” (Romans 9:16)

“To Him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” (I Peter 5:11, emphasis added)

He knows what He is doing, & He will do all His good pleasure. I thank Him He loves me enough not to give me everything I want when I want it. It reminds me He is God, my good Father & King, not a “goods” vending machine or a means to my own ends.

One of my favorite songs:
All I once held dear, built my life upon,
All this world reveres & wars to own,
All I once thought gain, I have counted loss,
Spent & worthless now, compared to this:
Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You,
There is no greater thing.

Lesser gifts may be withheld or never given, but let me bow as He defines what is “good” in my life.
Lesser gifts may be withheld or never given, but Christ — never. Praise God.

Tángeyoo (Part 1).

That’s “Thank you” in Enga of Papua New Guinea :]

Thank You for . . .

1. Salvation

A few days ago, I was thinking about some of the friends I used to attend church with as a kid. I was the one who boasted the most boldly in my defiance against God; they worried about me because I said I would have “nothing to do with God” until He changed certain circumstances in my life.

Today, of those friends, the only one walking with Him is me . . . & it’s not because of me. In my humanness, I don’t understand, but truly, truly, salvation has nothing to do with “the will of the flesh nor of the will of man.” It is ever, only “of God.” (Knowing this brings hope as I pray, now, for them.)

Can I ever, ever praise & glorify Him enough . . . for saving such a wretched, defiant sinner . . .

“Certain conditions were set before the Mediator [Christ]. He was to be made in the likeness of sin’s flesh; He was to magnify the law & make it honorable; He was to bear all the sins of all God’s people in His own body on the tree; He was to make full atonement for them; He was to endure the outpoured wrath of God; He was to die & be buried . . . Blessed be His name forever, He fulfilled those conditions, & because He did so, the Father stand pledged, on solemn oath, to preserve through time & bless throughout eternity every one of those for whom His incarnate Son mediated. Because He took their place, they now share His. His righteousness is theirs, His standing before God is theirs, His life is theirs. There is not a single condition for them to meet, not a single responsibility for them to discharge in order to attain their eternal bliss.”
(A.W. Pink, The Attributes of God)

& seeing other loved ones being saved — “of God” & not their own willing or working — makes me to just wonder at the love & grace of God. Is there anything more joyous or shout-worthy or moving than to see a holy God covering blasphemers, rebels, infidels, sinners with the righteousness of His Son, Jesus Christ?

One of Sovereign Grace’s songs puts it well: “Grace upon grace flows down, flows down, through the precious blood of Christ.” Grace upon grace!!

Mississippi Missions Trip.

Most of an email I sent out a week or so ago . . . :]

“For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake.”
(2 Corinthians 4:5)

A few weeks ago, from March 23rd – March 29th, I went with my church team to Bay St. Louis & Waveland, Mississippi. We went to help rebuild what Hurricane Katrina (one of the deadliest, most destructive hurricanes in the history of the U.S.) destroyed in 2005.

It’s been almost three years since the hurricane, but they’re still struggling to piece their lives together again.

New Orleans, Louisiana (In Brief)

My dad & I flew out to Gulfport, Mississippi one day early with another family from our church. We drove about an hour southwest & spent a day in New Orleans. As we were crossing the bridge into New Orleans, we couldn’t believe how much of the city was still in ruins.

We were planning to celebrate Resurrection Sunday at a church in New Orleans. We found a church in the New Orleans Yellow Pages, but a 2.5 mile walk later, when we finally arrived there, the church was deserted & damaged.

The church had flood damage, & like many of the buildings in New Orleans, it seems that the building was torched sometime after Hurricane Katrina. (People were unable to collect flood insurance because the insurance companies told them the damage was “hurricane damage”, so many torched the buildings in an [unsuccessful] attempt to then collect from fire insurance.)

We called & even received an inviting answering machine message before we left for the church. I guess they just forgot to say they relocated :]

Lagniappe: Just a “Little” More, the “Extra Mile”

We stayed in bunkhouses at Lagniappe Presbyterian Church, a church that was started up after the hurricane. The church building used to be a lumber yard, but it was rebuilt after the hurricane to function as a “hub” for restoration efforts.

Lagniappe runs non-stop. Full-time volunteers live at the church & go out daily to build & help the people of Bay St. Louis & Waveland. Other volunteers (like our team) stream in & out, usually staying a week or two at a time.

Lagniappe Church.

To the right, our bunkhouses all lined up.

Hurricane Katrina’s Trail

Lagniappe took a survey of the area’s needs, & the overwhelming, number one need people voiced was for mental health. They’re lost & hurting.

After Hurricane Katrina passed through, almost all that was left of Bay St. Louis & Waveland were the buildings’ foundations. For some homes, even the foundations didn’t withstand the hurricane.

The foundation to what was once a home.

All that’s left of this bank is the inner vault where the money was kept.

Most of the work is new construction, not repair, because in most cases, there was nothing left to repair.

Stairs that once led to a home? A church? A school?

This was an oak tree that saved four lives. Four people held on for their lives as the hurricane passed over. One of the women who held onto this tree currently volunteers at Lagniappe Church. She had a broken arm but still held on as rubble, pets, & human body parts washed past her. The tree is now dead, but a local artist carved some of the branches in the shape of an angel. (My intent isn’t to read into what happened, but I just want to point out an interesting correlation: a tree marked with death, saving those who clung/cling to it.)

Our Part in the Restoration

It was humbling, in a sweet way, to find out that our church team would be just one of the many coming to serve the people of Mississippi. We couldn’t be expected to do everything in a week, but we were a small part of the bigger picture of His people there, laboring in love. We worked on finishing two homes. I was on the “floor” team!

In Mississippi, it seems that your hometown is more than just where you live. It’s where you run around with friends during your childhood. It’s probably where your parents spent their childhood, too, and your grandparents. It’s where you work your first job. It’s where you marry. It’s where you have your children. It’s where your children settle & have their children. Now, imagine all of that leveled to the ground in ruins.

Larry (the man in the photo) was the future owner of one of the homes we were working on. He was one of those “hometown” Mississippians who lost everything. Since the hurricane, he’s lived in a trailer given to him by the government.

We met him on our second day on the work site (i.e., his home-to-be). When he saw that about half our team consisted of junior high, high school, and college students who chose to come & serve him during their spring break, he began to tear up. He said he couldn’t understand why they would do that.

He joined us one evening on the beach as we were debriefing. He brought his childhood friend, Frank, with him, too. After debriefing, some of us were able to really talk with Larry.

He said that after the hurricane, the people who continued to come & serve them & love them were the people of Christ’s church. Frank agreed. People came from all over the country, & some even from other countries, but the common denominator between all of them was their love for Christ, & hence, their compassion for the broken. Praise God.

Final pictures

Getting ready to lay down some hardwood flooring!

I got to hold a baby alligator! His mouth is open because he’s trying to bite me! (My dad’s in the background.)

With some of our church girls at Sonic’s, where the servers really bring your food (to your table or to your car) on rollerskates!

Your soldier.

“No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him.” (2 Timothy 2:4)

Your gospel, my message.
Your name, my banner.
Your word, my sword.
Your faithfulness, my shield.
Your glory, my cause.
Your pleasure, my desire.
Your promise, my strength.
Your love, my refuge.
Your victory, my joy.
Your kingdom, my hope.
Your commendation, my prize.

SAVIOR.

OUR GOD SAVES.

HALLELUJAH, OUR GOD SAVES.

& what can we do but weep for joy & dance & sing. Our God saves.

Heart struggles.

Pride.
I really wish I could scrape out & burn out the pride & desire for self-glory in my heart. I wish I could cut off the hand that has that Midas touch — not of gold, but of pride that leavens the whole lump of everything I say, think, or do. It ruins everything. Lately, all I can see is pride inside. & it discourages me, sometimes to the point where I literally just want to die so I’ll stop sinning. It’s been such a fight to think on the gospel & keep pressing forward (by His strength) toward who I’m called to be, not who I might be today. It’s been such a fight to close my ears to the voices that say, “You will never be anyone but your old self.” It’s been a fight to remember that He promises to finish the work He’s begun. He promised. Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is the from the west?

He gives & takes away.
I grip loved ones so tightly in my heart. I hold so tightly to the blessings He gives. As I was driving today, I thought about how often I rejoice that He is the Giver. I delight in remembering that God gives & withholds no good thing from me; I delight in knowing that He gives according to His sovereignty & His goodness. But what about the other side of that truth? He is also the One who takes away — & this, too, according to His sovereignty & goodness. Can I delight in that? Can I trust in that?  Can I bless His name not only when He gives but equally so when He takes away? He gives & takes away; my heart will choose to say, “Lord, blessed be Your name.”

Waiting.
If I could describe the past two years with only a handful of words & phrases, the first two that’d come to mind would be waiting & uncertainty. Even now, I feel like I’m in a period of waiting & uncertainty . . . & when I look into the near future, all I can foresee is more waiting & uncertainty. But what if I die before the answer comes? Was the period of waiting in vain? Is the waiting only worthwhile if the answer finally comes or if what I waited for finally comes? I know the answer is, “No,” but still, I squirm in my seat & pray for a still heart. Keep Thou my feet. I do not ask to see the distant scene; one step enough for me.

More praying, less talking.

It’s harder to pray for people who are near me (physically). It’s the tendency to think, “Oh, they’re right here. Why pray so much? I can just talk to them & tell them.” (As if my words alone were persuasive or able to change hearts.)

But my words alone cannot effect change. My words alone cannot transform or make new a creation.  I cannot talk people out of apathy, deadness, dryness, or doubt.

I can talk my head off, but that won’t change hearts. That alone won’t draw loved ones nearer to the Savior.

Today, the reminder to pray for loved ones here weighs heavy on my heart. I cannot do God’s work apart from God’s power.

He is God. He is the Lord of the harvest.

Foooooorgiveness.

[Reflections from Philemon :]

Forgiveness is . . .

1. A command, an issue of obedience.
2. A glorious reflection of the gospel.
3. The working of Christ in me, evidence of Christlike character.
4. To be given freely, gladly, in an above & beyond manner (not just out of compulsion).
5. An act of love, agape love.

Forgiveness requires . . .

1. LOVE. The love of God experienced by me, experienced & extended through me.
2. GRACE. The grace of God experienced by me, experienced & extended through me.
3. HUMILITY. Reflecting on who I was & who I am before God Most High. Considering others better than myself. Dying to self (that I might joyfully live to God).
4. TRUTH. Remembering all have sinned, including me. Not expecting from sinful man what I ought to expect from God alone, knowing that man will disappoint, fail, & sometimes hurt me (just as I’ll do the same to him/her).

Oy. Now to apply . . . . .

[In Philemon,] Paul is asking what is not possible in the flesh because flesh wants vengeance. What is not possibly by the law because the law wants justice. But what is possibly by grace, the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, working with your spirit, your inner man. (John MacArthur)

The legalist & forgiveness.

As I read through Scripture & prayed, it became clearer that much of my difficulty in forgiving came from a lingering legalistic mentality — the “my works & obedience to the law makes me acceptable to God” mentality.

The legalist is stuck on the idea that it is her “good” works that makes her acceptable. The legalist holds high moral codes, man-made rules that appear to conform to God’s Word, & other outward means of measuring goodness or righteousness. (But note, no matter how high the legalist may uphold her rigid self-rules, it is still too far below the perfect standard God requires.)

“For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 5:20) The “righteousness” of the scribes and Pharisees consisted of merely an external adherence to God’s law. Their rituals and laws made them look righteous, but not before a God who looks at the heart.

“For You will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; You will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken & contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.” (Psalm 51:16-17) King David acknowledged that God’s concern is with the heart: brokenness, humility . . .

But the legalist does not understand brokenness & humility, much less mercy & grace.

The legalist’s #1 priority is keeping the law. The legalist’s #1 boast is herself (her resolve & ability to keep the law). The legalist’s #1 resource in achieving her own ends is herself; maybe she gives lip-service to God’s work of sanctification in her life, but in the practice of her life, she demonstrates little faith in God’s ability & relies on herself. She is the center of her own universe.

She becomes dejected in her sins, because they are personal failures. She tries to atone for those failures, but inside is the gnawing truth that even one failure means imperfection. She becomes elated with others’ praises, because they are perceiving her to be the way she wants to project herself to be; it is an affirmation to her self-seeking efforts. In her pride, she still thinks she can attain God’s favor by her own personal merit. She sinfully concludes, like the wicked man in Psalm 50, that God is “one like [herself]” — proud, exacting, merciless. & in her heart of hearts, she is not at peace.

I can describe such a woman in much detail, because she is the “old self” in me: a legalistic Pharisee & a self-condemning miser, void of any understanding of God’s grace.

God, in His merciful way, unveiled these heart sins to me one by one in the past several years, & He’s been helping me to continually put these remains of the “old self” away. (Studying through Romans, Galatians, & the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew have been especially key in this process.)

What I didn’t realize until recently, however, was just how deeply these old ways of legalistic thinking impacted the practice of forgiveness in my own life.

Yet, it’s a logical conclusion that one who doesn’t understand (or forgets) the purity of God’s grace & the totality of God’s forgiveness also does not extend pure grace & total forgiveness to others.

It’s a logical conclusion that one who feels that she still needs to somehow “atone” for her sins & failures toward God also feels that those who’ve wronged her still need to somehow “atone” for their sins & failures toward herself.

It’s a logical conclusion that one who sinfully, ruthlessly upholds the law as the highest sovereign cannot see that a perfectly holy God can forgive transgressions to these laws. It logically follows, then, that she would uphold the same ruthless “law” between herself & others; & when a transgression is committed, the law remains highest & grace is not extended. According to such a system, grace cannot be extended.

But everything, again, must center on the gospel . . . on the God of the gospel of grace.

“We know that a person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ & not by works of the law, because by works of the law no one will be justified.” (Galatians 2:16)

“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things & count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ & be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith — that I may know Him & the power of His resurrection, & may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind & straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Let those of us who are mature think this way, & if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained.” (Philippians 3:8-16)

Only those who truly know Christ — those who are covered in His righteousness (not a righteousness of their own), those who are found in Him, those who know the grace & forgiveness of God — can truly forgive. Only those who are of God’s family can display the character of their Father in giving grace (which, by definition, is undeserved) & freely, lovingly forgive.

We have been completely forgiven in Christ. We could not even begin to merit righteousness on our own.

I must remember the Amazing Grace given to me, that I might extend Amazing-Grace-reflecting grace in my personal relationships. If a holy God forgave me (a sinner), can’t I (a sinner) forgive another sinner? How can I, who have been forgiven so much at the expense of Another, love so little & harden my heart?

The call to forgiveness.

I never struggled so much with extending forgiveness as I did in the past month.

Hurt turned into a refusal to forgive turned into bitterness turned into resentment turned into a reproduction of the old record of wrongs that I thought I had put away (woops, did I lose you?). Basically, I was cherishing the sin of unforgiveness in my heart, & it began to fester.

The ones we love best & the ones we hold dearest to our hearts are the ones who hurt us the most (e.g., our family, our closest friends). & the deeper the hurt, the closer the broken trust, the more difficult it is to forgive & let love cover . . . especially since so much of self-love still runs deeper than these other loves.

The one who refuses to forgive, in essence, is saying, “My glory is more important to me than Christ’s glory. My emotions are more important to me than obedience to Christ. Vengeance is more important to me than grace. Self-love controls & compels me, not Christ’s love.”

The one who refuses to forgive disregards the Word of God & hardens his heart, grieving the Spirit & willfully breaking fellowship with God for the sake of his sin.

But the one who forgives seeks Christ’s glory, not his own.

The one who forgives says, “Even in my heart, I will not curse (but will rather bless) the offender, because this reflects the gospel of the grace of God.”

The forgiver remembers that “the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 6:23). If we were treated as we deserved (as sinners, as offenders of the Most High God), we would be eternally condemned — “vessels of wrath prepared for destruction” (Romans 9:22).

“If You, O LORD, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand? But with You there is forgiveness, that You may be feared.” (Psalm 130:3-4)

In terms of our sin, we weren’t dealt with according to justice. We were dealt with according to grace. “Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord” (Romans 5:20-21).

The forgiver, from the heart, obeys His commands to forgive:
“Let all bitterness & wrath & anger & clamor & slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy & beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, & patience, bearing with one another &, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” (Colossians 3:12-14)

We’re to treat the offender as God in Christ treated us.

& when do we forgive?

When we are treated unfairly or wrongly accused. When another maliciously slanders us. When a trust is betrayed. When someone we hold dear is, in a manipulative & cunning manner, made to turn against us. When a broken relationship (between friends, parents, etc.) is unreasonably blamed on us. When another’s selfish decision “ruins” our lives. When a loved one is hurt or slandered by another. When we are beaten or abused in any way — not only by strangers but even by ones we loved & trusted. When someone just makes our life plain difficult. When a spouse is unfaithful. When another’s insensitivity hurts us. When our “rights” are violated. When we are disregarded. When we are riled against for doing good. When we are misunderstood. When we aren’t given the benefit of the doubt. When we are purposely excluded or ostracized. When we are robbed. When we are lied to. Whenever a wrong is committed.

Forgiveness must be extended every time, even if it’s the same sin committed for the thousandth time. This is the forgiveness of God. He doesn’t just forgive us for the sins we commit up to the point of receiving Christ; He forgives us for the sins we continue to commit even after we have made a profession of faith & love towards Christ. He forgave us when we were His willful enemies; He continues to forgive us as His own children.

So, whose honor will we seek? Ours, or God’s?
Which love will we seek? Self-love, or the love of God?
Which law will we uphold? The law of our own making (our broken sense of justice & wounded pride), or the law of grace?

The options are mutually exclusive.

“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (I Peter 4:8).
“Whoever covers an offense seeks love . . .” (Proverbs 17:9).

The call to forgiveness is a call to love. It’s a call to love with the same love God demonstrated to us. It’s not a cheap love; it’s costly. & sometimes, it’s “costly” to forgive. But this is the love of God.