Hope in the mess of relationships.

Excerpts from Tim Lane and Paul Tripp’s book on all kinds of relationships, Relationships: A Mess Worth Making:

We are sinners with the capacity to do great damage to ourselves and our relationships.  We need God’s grace to save us from ourselves.  But we are also God’s children, which means that we have great hope and potential — not hope that rests on our gifts, experience, or track record, but a hope that rests in Christ.  Because he is in us and we are in him, it is right to say that our potential is Christ!

We are well aware that we are smack dab in the middle of God’s process of sanctification.  And because this is true, we will struggle again.  Selfishness, pride, an unforgiving spirit, irritation, and impatience will certainly return.  But we are neither afraid nor hopeless.  We have experienced what God can do in the middle of the mess.  This side of heaven, relationships and ministry are always shaped in the forge of struggle.  None of us get to relate to perfect people or avoid the effects of the fall on the work we attempt to do.  Yet, amid the mess, we find the highest joys of relationship and ministry.

We would prefer that God would just change the relationship, but he won’t be content until the relationship changes us too.  This is how God created relationships to function.

Does the challenge and mess of relationships leave you discouraged?  Does the biblical honesty about human community shock you? Are you feeling overwhelmed by the hard work relationships require? … The shattered relationship between Father, Son, and Holy Spirit at the cross provides the basis for our reconciliation.  No other relationship ever suffered more than what Father, Son, and Holy Spirit endured when Jesus hung on the cross and cried, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

In his life, death, and resurrection, Jesus brought reconciliation in two fundamental ways.  Jesus reconciled us to God, which then becomes the foundation for the way he reconciles us to one another.  As C.S. Lewis said, Christ restores first things so that second things are not suppressed but increased!  When God reigns in our hearts, peace reigns in our relationships.

And I’m only on page 15 now …

:]

Beneath the Cross.

“Let us not expect too much from our own hearts here below.  At our best we shall find in ourselves daily cause for humiliation, and discover that we are needy debtors to mercy and grace every hour.”

(J.C. Ryle, Holiness, p.39)

I spent almost the whole weekend surrounded by and interacting with family, immediate and extended.  I was hardly ever alone this weekend.  The littlest cousin even followed me to school on Saturday, sat next to me while I was in section, and drew pictures for me.

It was such a sweet and fun time, yet the sweetness was sometimes marred by the recognition of my heart sin.  The unkind act, the hurtful remark, the general self-absorption.  Sin that is sometimes only revealed as it finds canvas on the lives of those nearest and dearest to us.

So, at the conclusion of one of the sweetest weekends I’ve had in a long time, I find myself beneath the Cross once more, in need of repentance and in need of His mercies.  The legalist in me is whispering lies, saying that I must do penance or somehow make up for past sin.  But Jesus is enough.  His righteousness is enough.  His death is enough.  His resurrection is enough.  His grace is enough.

I am a debtor to His mercy and grace every hour, but oh, such a thankful one.

With wings like eagles.

Have you not known?  Have you not heard?  The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable.  He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength.  Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
(Isaiah 40:28-31)

Alisa is taking this verse very literally.  ;]

I wasn’t home last Saturday when she came over, so she left me the cutest little hand-decorated note that included a little something about “God and Jejuss.”

Aw, why must they grow up?

A conversation with my mom.

I went walking with my mom and one of the pups today.  We walked down the busy main street, found the stairway leading to the trail, and descended into the calm.

We walked about an hour and a half, and about midway through, there was about several minutes of a comfortable lull in our conversation.  She was walking ahead of me and kind of turned back to see if I was following closely.  She caught a glimpse of my face and asked why my facial expression was so.

I shook my head and just said I had some things on my mind.

She was quiet for a bit and then with a half smile, she said (in Korean), “You should pray as you walk.”

I was a little surprised and kind of cocked my head to look at her.  She just kept looking ahead and walking as if it was the most natural thing for her to say.  And she continued, “As each thought comes to mind, pray over it.  That’s what I do.”

This was the first time my mom ever encouraged me to seek the Lord in prayer regarding the cares of my heart.  Hearing that was enough to dissipate troubled thoughts, but I said back to her, with a half smile, “I’ll try to.”

:]

25 Words.

1983
On September 19, my big brother, Jonathan Kyung Tae Han, was born at Alexian Brothers Hospital through caesarean section, because his head was too big.

1984
On October 4, Jonathan was snuck into Mom’s delivery room via Dad’s blue jacket, and from that day on, he had a new title: Oppah.

1985
Dad took Oppah fishing for the first time at Los Banos Creek Reservoir; Dad plunked in a line, and Oppah pulled up a rainbow trout.

1986
At Sea Cliff Beach, Oppah was lost and Mom thought the ocean carried him away, but two women, holding his hand, brought him howling back.

1987
One day, at Grandma’s Fish n Chips store, Oppah found scissors and thought it’d be a great idea to give each other really short haircuts …

1988
Post fights, we were always found hugging – not because we were sorry but because that was Mom and Dad’s punishment (we did some angry hugging).

1989
Sound asleep at four in the morning to hearing Oppah’s, “Letitia, c’mon, let’s play Nintendo,” to secretly playing Nintendo with the volume at one bar.

1990
Oppah played “We’re Late for the Party” with Lindsay and me twice – a game where we’d frantically pack a suitcase and run across the street.

1991
On Saturday mornings, Oppah made my bowl of cereal for me and woke me up early to watch morning cartoons with him before piano lessons.

1992
Dad had two spanking sticks; he told Oppah to pick his first, and Oppah picked the bigger one, to spare me (or so he thought).

1993
The brother who caught spiders and froze them in glass tubes to chase me around with also killed the spiders in my room for me.

1994
When I ran for Vice President at school and began shaking during my speech, I saw Oppah sitting up taller so I could see him.

1995
Whenever we had “Free Dress Days,” no uniform, incentive days at school, Oppah let me borrow his ultra cool clothes: baggy jeans and Gecko shirts.

1996
By far the best summer of our childhood, playing outside with the neighborhood kids – Lindsay, Rudy, Corey, Binh, Thai, and others – from morning ‘til nightfall.

1997
After arguing with Oppah, I kicked the bathroom wall and, to my dismay, the drywall gave way; he laughed and patched it up for me.

1998
Oppah was the one home with me that January 8 night, and he was the one who kept watch at my window for any danger.

1999
My science teacher stopped me after class and asked if it was my brother who gave a black eye to a bully twice his height.

2000
This year was especially difficult, but Oppah’d take me to sit and cry in his room, and he’d tell me about Job’s fortitude in trials.

2001
Oppah faced a number of heartbreaking disappointments this year; but despite personal disappointments, he always entered into my joys as if they were his own.

2002
We went camping, and in the middle of the night, I asked Oppah to paddle me out on the canoe with our dog; he did.

2003
After grandpa’s “near death” and hospitalization, Oppah drove with Dad down to Southern California to visit me and swung me around while he hugged me.

2004
While we were backpacking out, we lost our way and only had one chocolate bar left; he broke it and gave me the bigger piece.

2005
Oppah called, and we talked for hours; he shared about the woman on the plane who encouraged him with Saul-Paul’s life and prayed for him.

2006
Oppah came to San Diego for a business trip; after we ate dinner with his coworkers, he gave me spending money (everything in his wallet).

2007
We argued as I was driving him home; it was really my fault, but like always (and I mean always), he was first to apologize.

2008
At Grandpa’s funeral, Oppah was the one who gave me a tissue and hugged me as I cried while Rachael read Psalm 23 in Korean.

That’s my Oppah. That’s the kind of brother God has blessed me with for the past 25 (minus 1) years. I love you, Oppah Koppah!

(“25 Words” was inspired by Abraham Piper’s website, 22 Words.)

Absent-minded driving.

Today as I was driving in Saratoga, I decided to stop by the bank before going to tutor one of my students.  My thoughts trailed off, and when I finally came to, I was driving up a steep ramp, trying to avoid the speed bumps.

I was driving up the ramp to my grandpa’s old skilled nursing home.

I miss him.

It is not Death to die, to leave this weary road,
and join the saints who dwell on high,
who’ve found their home with God.
It is not death to close the eyes long dimmed by tears,
and wake in joy before your throne,
delivered from our fears.

O Jesus, conquering the grave,
Your precious blood has power to save.
Those who trust in You will in Your mercy find
that it is not death to die.

It is not death to fling aside this earthly dust,
and rise with strong and noble wing
to live among the just.
It is not death to hear the key unlock the door
that sets us free from mortal years
to praise forevermore.

(Original words by H.A. Malan, trans. by G.W. Bethune, alt. by Bob Kauflin)

“Camping is in-tents.”

(My reflections for Session #4 will be posted soon …)

Last weekend, my dad, my brother, and I took my cousins Rachael & Leslie, along with 4 family friends’ teen kids, to our special family camping spot, Portal Forebay (whew, that was a lot of commas).

We spent 3 days & 2 nights there. We went boating on two different lakes; swam in two lakes, a river, and a natural hot spring; fished; hiked; and made s’mores galore. And each night, around the campfire, we talked about different life topics: death, salvation, creation, “success” …

One night, we waited until 1 in the morning so we could see the Milky Way. By far, the best part about camping was the night sky. It really did look like thousands of diamonds strewn across the dark sky. (The next best part was jumping into the river from a high rock and swimming around. The water was so clear … and cold!)

The local paparazzi found out about our trip & followed us there. We made it onto a few magazine covers. You might see them the next time you’re standing in line at Safeway or some other grocery store. ;]

Halfway through our 5 hour drive there, we stopped to eat lunch at In-n-Out. Before we ate, I went into the restroom, and when I was about to leave my stall, I thought I heard Rachael coming in. I peeked at the feet next to me, and sure enough, the light blue jeans and white sneakers told me it was Rachael in the stall.

So, true to my “terrorist cousin” reputation, I reached my feet under the divider into her stall and triumphantly stepped on her toes. I heard a squeal, which told me I had been successful both in startling her and in stepping on her toes! To celebrate my “genius” & success, I stepped on her toes again! This time, I heard a “Who is that?” from her stall … and it wasn’t her voice.

I was half horrified, half laughing. Thankfully, it was a nice lady who thought it was her daughter pulling a prank on her. After laughing awkwardly with her (while she was still in stall), I quickly made my escape. And even more thankfully, I never saw her face … and she never saw mine!

Everyone laughed when I told them what happened. I ended my story then by saying, “It’s all your fault, Rachael! If it was you in the stall, nothing like this would have ever happened!”

And now, I conclude my story here in the same way: It was all Rachael’s fault. (hehe … I love you, Rachie!)

We shall meet on that beautiful shore.

There’s a land that is fairer than day, and by faith we can see it afar …

We shall meet those we lost long ago …
Tears of parting no longer to know, neither grief only joy in the Lord.

In the sweet by and by, we shall meet on that beautiful shore;
In the sweet by and by, we shall meet on that beautiful shore.

(Sanford Bennett, 1868.)

This is one the hymns we sang at my grandpa’s memorial service yesterday. I’ve been singing it since.

After fading gradually for the past few years, he declined more suddenly in the last week after developing diverticulosis & passed away last Friday around 2:10 in the morning. We were notified the afternoon before and were able to spend his last 12 hours with him.

At his memorial service yesterday, each of the grandchildren had a part in the service. This was mine:

Before I begin, I just wanted to say that, according to my aunt, the happiest day of my grandpa’s life was when she was born.

The LORD Has Been His Shepherd

Psalm 23 has always been special to my grandpa, even before he really knew the LORD as his Shepherd. It began with my grandma, who was a godly, praying woman. We think she first found comfort in the words of Psalm 23 when all her children were in elementary school and my grandpa was working out of the country in Vietnam. She would gather her children around her and sing a hymn based on Psalm 23 with them. Maybe my grandpa knew what Psalm 23 meant to her, so when she passed away, she was buried with a Bible opened to Psalm 23.

On May 23, 2003, when my grandpa was taken to the hospital emergency, I was shaking and I couldn’t stop crying. I was full of fear, because I did not know if he was ready to die.

He nearly died at his own hands five years ago, on May 23, while in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s and depression, and his injuries were so critical that the doctors did not think he would make it. But God was sovereign then, and He is sovereign today. He gave my grandpa five more years to live, and when he passed away three days ago, I have no doubt he was ready.

I remember my grandpa, before 2003, to be a man whose hard exterior and pride sometimes so much masked and distorted his expressions of love that he was often misunderstood. He was disciplined, strict, and authoritative – maybe that was partly personality and partly military influence – but he was a man who obviously loved his family.

My dad, my uncle, and my aunt have shared different stories about their childhood with me.

In the 1960’s, when they lived in Korea, bananas were extremely rare and expensive. Perhaps only two vendors in all of Korea sold them, and they were sold for “baek won,” about $30-50 apiece, which was a couple hour’s worth of labor. When my dad was in kindergarten or the first grade, one weekend, my grandpa took my dad to buy some bananas for the family. They bought some and shared it with the family. A simple treat for the family, but it was one his ways of expressing his affection for them.

Once they immigrated to the United States, even though my grandpa could not speak the language very well, he worked hard to provide for his family with whatever work he could find. Even though it must have been difficult for him, he still made sure almost every weekend was set apart for family outings: road trips, fishing, picnicking …

With his overtime paychecks, he bought jewelry for my grandma. For almost a year period after they moved to the U.S., he was buying her jewelry every other month by working extra hours. Simple gifts, but again, it was his way of showing his love for her.

Though his love toward his wife and children came across hard at times, toward his grandchildren, he was a loving, indulgent grandpa. He always had a bag full of candy on hand for us. He gave us all the sweets and pastries that our moms only gave to us in moderation. When we were sick, he told us candy was the best medicine.

Some of the nicknames he had for us included “Tomboy” and “Pe-pe,” a Korean expression for someone small and scrawny. Whenever my brother and I were in trouble with Dad, we ran to my grandpa because we learned at an early age that Grandpa had more power even than Dad. Even if dad was calling us to come to him in his scary voice, if we made it to Grandpa’s arms first, we were safe. He kept my dad from punishing us many times – even when we probably deserved it.

In the last five years of his life, God drew him near. We prayed God wouldn’t take him until he was ready, and when my grandpa would speak about his death, we assured him that God knew what He was doing and would take him when he was ready. And God did. I cannot deny that God’s way with my grandpa has been perfect.

When my grandpa was taken to the nursing home shortly after his close brush with death in 2003, things slowly began to change. The first few times we tried reading the Bible to him, he yelled for us to leave. Over time, however, his heart began to soften.

In November of 2006, when I went to visit him, I asked if he wanted to read the Bible. He said, “Not today, because I have too many things to think about.” I asked if it was worries. He said, “Worries and non-worries.” I asked, “Are you sad lately?” He said yes. When I asked, “Why?” he said kind of vaguely, “Because of the wrong I did/the mistake I made.” I reminded him that God forgives through Christ and loves him. I asked, “Grandpa, if your son does wrong against you, you still forgive him because you love him, right?” He nodded. I said, “God does, too, but His love and forgiveness are even greater.” His face relaxed and he closed his eyes and nodded.

Months later, when my dad and I visited him, he talked with my dad about his joy. I didn’t understand everything he told my dad, but from what I understood, he said he was trying to pray and that sometimes he just lied there on his bed, so joyful. He said the way he thinks has also completely changed. He figured his life hadn’t been so bad & that when he’s frustrated or anxious, he prays.

And though my grandma didn’t see it in her lifetime, her faithful prayers for my grandpa were answered. God had been his Shepherd all along, even when he didn’t recognize or acknowledge Him.

The words of Psalm 23 proved true in his life. “You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me . . . Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”

So, this isn’t goodbye. I know I’ll see him again, where faith will finally become sight.

Glimpses of summer.

High School Students

As far as I know, all of my seniors graduated! Among almost the 90 who graduated, a handful are special education students, one is a mother of a 2-year old girl, one battles lupus, one has a parent who was diagnosed with cancer, one of them has a father who is sentenced to years in prison, at least two of them pursued sports (baseball & skateboarding) as youth to keep away from the gang influences in their family & neighborhood, two are foster children whose parents could not care for them because of drug abuse, a quarter of them live under the level of poverty, more than several of them come from recently immigrated families, and many of them come from broken homes. I was so, so proud of them.

Some of my freshmen (5 or so of them) played with the band during the ceremony.

Family (Especially the Cousins)

Rachie graduated from high school! She’ll be a Trojan next year!

Uncle Jim from Oregon (far right) came down to visit!

On July 4th, my dad & I took the cousins all over Point Reyes (North Bay Area). We climbed 300 steps to see a lighthouse, went hiking, saw old Native American relics, picked berries, played at the beach, and hiked the cliffs near Stinson Beach (notorious for its white shark packed waters).

He’s a kid at heart.

If I stumbled or slipped backward on this rock, it would have been a long drop down. After taking this picture, we decided there was a very fine line between risk & folly.

Visitors from SoCal

The Kim family came up to the Bay! We’re at the Chungs’ in this picture. Jenna’s here ’til tomorrow :]

Rebekah was baptized this past Sunday, the day after her sweet-16th birthday. God is faithful :]

A “clear” day.

I love my grandpa.

In the past, he fluctuated between “clear” days (days when he’d remember who we were & where he was) & “unclear” days (days when he didn’t know us & thought he was in a prison or somewhere else). Most of this is due to a combination of Alzheimer’s, dementia, & the lasting effects of traumatic brain injury.

Since last September or October, the number of “clear” days was less than 3.

But yesterday afternoon, he made eye contact with me when I greeted him. I couldn’t remember the last time he even made eye contact with anyone for a sustained period of time. I tested him to see if he knew me: “Do you know who I am?” He answered in Korean, “Granddaughter.”

It was the first conversation we’d had in a long time. He remembered God’s love for him. He remembered Christ’s death for his sins. He remembered God’s keeping power. He remembered God’s care for him.

As we reviewed these things, he held out his hand to me; & for the first time in my life, I saw my grandpa cry. His body shook as he silently cried. God knows his weariness, & God knows to give him comfort upon comfort through reminders of His love. Such is our good God. Such is Abba’s heart.

It was difficult to eventually leave, because I didn’t know how long it would be until he had another clear day . . . or if ever he’d have another clear day as his mind & body progressively deteriorate.

But when I see Grandpa, I see a visual reminder of 2 Corinthians 4:16-18:

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

That’s another passage, besides Psalm 23, that we read often. & we don’t lose heart . . .