I woke up, and it was 9:30 am.  Rachael was still asleep next to me, so I softly tiptoed out of her room and half-closed the door behind me.  On my way out to the kitchen, I saw a note on the floor in the hallway.  I had to stoop low to read it, because my contacts weren’t in yet: Breakfast is on me.

Thinking Nathan was making breakfast, I peeked into the kitchen to see if I could surprise him, but he wasn’t there.  Everyone else was still asleep (we had stayed up late watching two episodes of 24), so I pulled my Bible from my backpack.

Aunt Connie came out to the kitchen as I finished reading.  She whispered, “Nathan went to buy bagels!  I told him I’d been wanting Noah’s bagels.”

When Nathan came home, we marched to Rachael’s room, and I had to stifle my laughter as he proceeded to give her a military-esque wake-up call and routine.  We wanted our bagels, and she had to wake up to eat them with us!

Uncle Young was still jet-lagged from his trip, so he slept in while we enjoyed breakfast and each other’s company.

. . .

Mom called.  “Can you pick up some yarn for me from Michael’s on your way home?”

. . .

“Hi Unni, are you almost here?”  “Hi Leslie, I’ll be there in just a few minutes!  Is everyone there already?”  “Yup!”  “Okay, I’ll see you soon!”

At the door, Alisa (the littlest cousin) tackled me with a hug.  Her hair was unkempt, probably from rolling around with Kkoma.  “I missed you!”  Leslie was proudly sporting a Birthday Princess crown, and eight of her school friends giggled with excitement as we left for her birthday tea party at Santana Row.  Before leaving, I glimpsed a furry blur of brown wearing a Santa outfit — Kkoma.

Once, during the tea, while laughing with a few of Leslie’s friends, she caught my eye and smiled.  Another time, she caught my eye again and gave me a thumbs-up with an ear-to-ear grin.  Stirring cream and sugar into my cup, I thanked God in my heart for cousins.  He never answered my childhood prayers for little brothers and sisters, but he gave younger cousins.

I leisurely walked behind the eight girls as they oo-ed and ah-ed over Christmas decorations along the Row.  Maybe screamed and giggled is more accurate?  Who can blame them anyway for being 14-years old?

Alisa tackled me again at the door.  She looked at me tearfully and asked, “Do you really have to go?  Will you come again?  When are you going to come again?”  She was satisfied with, “Next week, when I’m on break, we’ll play, okay?  Think of things you want to do together.”

. . .

I joined Mom and Dad for dinner at our family friends’ new home.  All the kids were in the bedroom, watching YouTube videos on three different laptops, while the parents lingered over dinner in conversation.

Right when I thought I was in the clear, their conversation turned to the topic of … well, if you know anything about Korean parents (maybe all parents?), you know. :]

. . .

Ruth Ann and I called Jason so he could open the apartment door for us.  Carrie, Kyle, and Daniel looked out from the window and happily waved to us.  We waved back, just as happily.

The apartment was warm and filled with friends, some of whom I hadn’t seen in a while.  “This feels like a youth group reunion!”  We laughed.

I gave JoAnna and Patrick each a hug.  (How good it was to see them together, with JoAnna wearing his ring!)

Later, we sat them in matching chairs and shared about the blessings of seeing their relationship blossom to engagement.  We expressed our hopes and prayers for their marriage — Christ- and gospel-centered, reflecting His love, marked by servanthood and sacrifice, blessed with missionary kids fluent in the language of wherever they end up.  Then we prayed for them.

. . . . . . .

Cousins.  Family.  Friends.  I’m so thankful.  The same relationships that make me cry out to Him, sometimes with grief and sometimes with despair, are also the relationships that cause me to crumble before Him with heart-full gratitude.

How good He is, in times when we recognize it and in times when we don’t.  And at the end of the day, He is our best portion yet.

“Meekness” has been haunting me (in a good way) for the past couple days.

• Reading through 1 Samuel and Psalms about King David and noting his meek spirit.

• Felt like listening to Steve Lawson and “on a whim” decided to listen to his 4/26 sermon on Majestic Meekness.

• The Savior’s meekness and my lack pretty relentlessly pressing in on my thoughts.

• Overheard someone using that word at the store?  on the radio?  both?

• First card I won in a game of Apples to Apples with friends last night: the “Meek” card.  Kept glancing back at that card for the rest of the game.  Convicted me every time.  But made me smile, too.

• Saw this link for JMac’s Restoring the Virtue of Meekness on Jenna’s Facebook.

… That’s certainly one way to get my attention.  I’m listening, Lord.

Excerpts from Tim Lane and Paul Tripp’s book on all kinds of relationships, Relationships: A Mess Worth Making:

We are sinners with the capacity to do great damage to ourselves and our relationships.  We need God’s grace to save us from ourselves.  But we are also God’s children, which means that we have great hope and potential — not hope that rests on our gifts, experience, or track record, but a hope that rests in Christ.  Because he is in us and we are in him, it is right to say that our potential is Christ!

We are well aware that we are smack dab in the middle of God’s process of sanctification.  And because this is true, we will struggle again.  Selfishness, pride, an unforgiving spirit, irritation, and impatience will certainly return.  But we are neither afraid nor hopeless.  We have experienced what God can do in the middle of the mess.  This side of heaven, relationships and ministry are always shaped in the forge of struggle.  None of us get to relate to perfect people or avoid the effects of the fall on the work we attempt to do.  Yet, amid the mess, we find the highest joys of relationship and ministry.

We would prefer that God would just change the relationship, but he won’t be content until the relationship changes us too.  This is how God created relationships to function.

Does the challenge and mess of relationships leave you discouraged?  Does the biblical honesty about human community shock you? Are you feeling overwhelmed by the hard work relationships require? … The shattered relationship between Father, Son, and Holy Spirit at the cross provides the basis for our reconciliation.  No other relationship ever suffered more than what Father, Son, and Holy Spirit endured when Jesus hung on the cross and cried, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

In his life, death, and resurrection, Jesus brought reconciliation in two fundamental ways.  Jesus reconciled us to God, which then becomes the foundation for the way he reconciles us to one another.  As C.S. Lewis said, Christ restores first things so that second things are not suppressed but increased!  When God reigns in our hearts, peace reigns in our relationships.

And I’m only on page 15 now …

:]

When He saw the crowds, He had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.  Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest.”
(Matthew 9:37-38)

http://www.persecution.com/public/restrictednations.aspx?clickfrom=bWFpbl9tZW51

“Let us not expect too much from our own hearts here below.  At our best we shall find in ourselves daily cause for humiliation, and discover that we are needy debtors to mercy and grace every hour.”

(J.C. Ryle, Holiness, p.39)

I spent almost the whole weekend surrounded by and interacting with family, immediate and extended.  I was hardly ever alone this weekend.  The littlest cousin even followed me to school on Saturday, sat next to me while I was in section, and drew pictures for me.

It was such a sweet and fun time, yet the sweetness was sometimes marred by the recognition of my heart sin.  The unkind act, the hurtful remark, the general self-absorption.  Sin that is sometimes only revealed as it finds canvas on the lives of those nearest and dearest to us.

So, at the conclusion of one of the sweetest weekends I’ve had in a long time, I find myself beneath the Cross once more, in need of repentance and in need of His mercies.  The legalist in me is whispering lies, saying that I must do penance or somehow make up for past sin.  But Jesus is enough.  His righteousness is enough.  His death is enough.  His resurrection is enough.  His grace is enough.

I am a debtor to His mercy and grace every hour, but oh, such a thankful one.

(11.01.09, noon)

Jesus, You are Lord of all.  Neither man’s decree nor hand rises above Yours; it answers to You and submits to Your headship and authority and lordship over all — great and small, righteous and unrighteous, natural and synthetic, animate and inanimate, dead and living…all.

Are you sovereign over suicide and death?  Mysteriously, rightly, yes.

How?  Why?  I don’t know.

But I submit to the God whose ways and thoughts are higher.  To the God to whom the secret things belong.  The God who works all things for the good of those who love Him.  The God from whom, through whom, and to whom are all things.  The God who holds the king’s heart like a stream of water in His hand, turning it whichever way He pleases.  The God who commanded the wind and waves to “be still” at one time and let them blow and crash at another.  The God who instructs the sun where to stand and instructs the waves to come no further.  The God whose way was through the sea, with footprints unseen.  The God whose wisdom is deeper and surpassing that of men; the God who needs no counselor, for there is no other God Only Wise.  The God who makes even the wrath of man to praise Him.  The God who knew and loved before the foundations of the world.  The God who neither slumbers nor sleeps nor shows partiality.  The God who is holy.  The God who foreordained the death of His only Son for sinners.  The God of the resurrection.  The God who is great and worthy of praise.  Oh Lord, not a hard Master but a kind Lord, I submit to You.  I bow the knee.

You are Lord.  You are Creator.  I am Yours.  I am created.  I put my hand over my mouth.  You have done what is good.  You do and will do all things well (oh, to believe that in my heart of hearts!).  You make no mistakes.  You are not a man that You should have regrets.  Who is God Most High but You?  The Potter need not answer to the clay.  Do as You see well to do.  Give us hearts to love You, trust You, and humble ourselves before You.  Your will is good, perfect, and acceptable.

You are God.  There is no other.

Her Father: Your brow speaks of heavy thoughts, child.  Come, tell them to Me.

Her: But they are so many, Abba.  And my questions are so many.  I would weary You with words, not to speak of heart heaviness.

Her Father: Child, I know your heart.  I know your thoughts.  I am not wearied.

Her: But these things I don’t understand, questions without answers … Who can know them?  Who can understand them?

Her Father: The secret things belong to Me, child.

Her: Yes, but …

Her Father, gently: Child, they belong to Me.  Will you rest in that?

Junior year of college, the song Who Am I? by Casting Crowns brought tremendous comfort to me during an emotional time.  Lighthouse’s orchestra was practicing it to accompany Eugene and Christine during church service, and I remember just taking the CD and sheet music to UCSD’s “underground” piano rooms and playing for hours, crying and praying my way through the song … over and over again.  In just a few weeks, we’d play it for the church, and did I believe what I was playing?  Would I rend the garment and not my heart?  God was good to give that song, among other things, during that time.  Where plain words would have been hard, truth sung and played to me brought untold comfort.

This past weekend, that “song” for me has been How He Loves by John Mark McMillan.  From what I understand, McMillan wrote it after losing a dear friend.  On Friday, I lost a dear friend, Michael — “dear” in terms of the place he had in my heart (in all our hearts) as I watched him grow from a little boy to a man who dreamed of being a teacher like his dad.  And I’ve never been so tempted to call a death “untimely” before, but this one … this one seems so untimely.  And my imagination fails me to foresee how God could possibly bring good from this, but this I know: He is good.  And He loves.  Oh, how He loves.  And sometimes, that is all we can do as we grieve: weep in the arms of our good and sovereign Abba who loves us.

I was asked yesterday to play during the offertory today at the church where we grew up, so I went to the church last night and practiced this song, How He Loves, again and again and again.  Grief and hope and pain and praise all stumbling over one another, trying to walk in harmony.  This morning, after I played for first service, I walked to the back of the church and cried with JoAnna.  It is possible to grieve and sing His truth at the same time.  And perhaps again, where plain words would be hard, truth sung and played apply the balm in just the right way.

Some songs are mostly great because of the lyrics; others are mostly great because the music expresses a yearning that words can’t articulate.  I think this is one of those songs.

How He loves.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane,
I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory.
And I realize just how beautiful You are and
How great Your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us.
Oh, oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes.
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.

And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest.
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way…

Oh, how He loves us.
Oh, oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all.

How He loves!
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

Please pray especially for Michael’s mom.  She’s now lost both husband and only child — and both so suddenly.  As our pastor asked us to pray today, please pray that God would heal the deep places of her heart as only He can.

CHRISTIANA, weeping.

DOUBT:

What does your love for Him avail you?  Miser, look about you.  Do not tell me that you see Love’s workings here.

CHRISTIANA:

Doubt, I cannot keep you from speaking into my ear, but I will not cherish your counsel.  You would bring me down to Sheol.

DOUBT, with feigned surprise:

What?  I merely said to — look — about — you.  Can you confidently tell me that this is the working of a God who loves you?

CHRISTIANA, with a struggle:

He loved His Son.  And for my sake, He did not withhold His hand from His only Son.  How can you now ask me to doubt Him?

DOUBT:

But that was then.  You trust His hand even now as He lays down this heavy stroke?

CHRISTIANA:

It is true — I cannot see the full extent of His hand.  It is shrouded in mystery, as it was when His only Son cried to Him on the cross.  I cannot see the full extent of His hand, but I know His person.  I know His character.  I — know — Him.

DOUBT, sarcastically:

A likely tale, no doubt.

CHRISTIANA:

Doubt, would you answer a few of my own questions?

DOUBT, smugly:

Sure.

CHRISTIANA:

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.  For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, in order that He might be the firstborn among many brothers.  And those whom He predestined He also called, and those whom He called He also justified, and those whom He justified He also glorified.

DOUBT:

Miser, I recognize your sword.  You are speaking His Word, but where are your questions?

CHRISTIANA:

I continue: What then shall we say to these things?  If God is for us, who can be against us?

He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?

DOUBT, mockingly:

Yes — look at what He has so graciously given you.  What has He given to you but loss?  What has He given to you but tribulation and distress and persecution and famine and nakedness and danger and sword?

CHRISTIANA:

But you evade my questions, Doubt.  Answer me this: Who shall separate us from the love of God?  Shall tribulation — or distress — or persecution — or famine — or nakedness — or danger — or sword?

DOUBT, wincing:

You would believe that though you are being slayed?

CHRISTIANA:

Doubt, it is not I who is being slayed at the moment.  Who shall separate us from the love of God?  Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?  As it is written, ‘For Your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.’  No — in — all — these — things — we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

DOUBT, desperately:

But look!  You are weeping, woman!  Can tears yet speak of trust?

CHRISTIANA:

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

DOUBT, crying out:

You — You’ve thrust me through!

CHRISTIANA:

So I have.

DOUBT, clutching his side:

Oh, I see what you are about, woman.  I will leave this time, but I won’t be far.  And I assure you, you won’t recognize me so quickly the next time we meet.  I’ve crushed the mightiest of men and will not be so easily defeated. I’ll be back again, miser.

CHRISTIANA:

So you will.  And so my God and His Word will be nearer still.

—

(Inspired by John Piper’s A Conversation with Death on Good Friday.)

(J.C. Ryle, Holiness, p. 301)

“Man,” said a thoughtless, ungodly English traveller, to a North American Indian convert, “Man, what is the reason that you make so much of Christ, and talk so much about Him?  What has this Christ done for you, that you should make so much ado about Him?”

The converted Indian did not answer him in words.  He gathered together some dry leaves and moss, and made a ring with them on the ground.  He picked up a live worm and put it in the middle of the ring.  He struck a light and set the moss and leaves on fire.  The flame soon rose, and the heat scorched the worm.  It writhed in agony, and, after trying in vain to escape on every side, curled itself up in the middle, as if about to die in despair. At that moment the Indian reached forth his hand, took up the worm gently, and placed it on his bosom.

“Stranger,” he said to the Englishman, “do you see that worm?  I was that perishing creature.  I was dying in my sins, hopeless, helpless, and on the brink of eternal fire.  It was Jesus Christ who put forth the arm of His power.  It was Jesus Christ who delivered me with the hand of His grace, and plucked me from everlasting burnings.  It was Jesus Christ who placed me, a poor sinful worm, near the heart of His love. Stranger, that is the reason why I talk of Jesus Christ, and make much of Him.  I am not ashamed of it, because I love Him.”

If we know anything of love to Christ, may we have the mind of this North American Indian!  May we never think that we can love Christ too well, live to Him too thoroughly, confess Him too boldly, lay ourselves out for Him too heartily!  Of all the things that will surprise us in the resurrection morning, this I believe will surprise us most: that we did not love Christ more before we died.