Heart struggles.

April 22, 2008

I really wish I could scrape out & burn out the pride & desire for self-glory in my heart. I wish I could cut off the hand that has that Midas touch — not of gold, but of pride that leavens the whole lump of everything I say, think, or do. It ruins everything. Lately, all I can see is pride inside. & it discourages me, sometimes to the point where I literally just want to die so I’ll stop sinning. It’s been such a fight to think on the gospel & keep pressing forward (by His strength) toward who I’m called to be, not who I might be today. It’s been such a fight to close my ears to the voices that say, “You will never be anyone but your old self.” It’s been a fight to remember that He promises to finish the work He’s begun. He promised. Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is the from the west?

He gives & takes away.
I grip loved ones so tightly in my heart. I hold so tightly to the blessings He gives. As I was driving today, I thought about how often I rejoice that He is the Giver. I delight in remembering that God gives & withholds no good thing from me; I delight in knowing that He gives according to His sovereignty & His goodness. But what about the other side of that truth? He is also the One who takes away — & this, too, according to His sovereignty & goodness. Can I delight in that? Can I trust in that?  Can I bless His name not only when He gives but equally so when He takes away? He gives & takes away; my heart will choose to say, “Lord, blessed be Your name.”

If I could describe the past two years with only a handful of words & phrases, the first two that’d come to mind would be waiting & uncertainty. Even now, I feel like I’m in a period of waiting & uncertainty . . . & when I look into the near future, all I can foresee is more waiting & uncertainty. But what if I die before the answer comes? Was the period of waiting in vain? Is the waiting only worthwhile if the answer finally comes or if what I waited for finally comes? I know the answer is, “No,” but still, I squirm in my seat & pray for a still heart. Keep Thou my feet. I do not ask to see the distant scene; one step enough for me.


4 Responses to “Heart struggles.”

  1. stephanie Says:

    “Was the period of waiting in vain? Is the waiting only worthwhile if the answer finally comes or if what I waited for finally comes?”

    heya tia. this was very challenging. miss youu.

  2. cathiekimn Says:

    same. all of what you wrote about pride are things i struggle with daily… that discouragement and wanting to die so i’ll stop. and i’ve been listening to that song every morning too. thanks letia.

  3. tia Says:

    two girls dear to my heart ❤


  4. jennifer lee Says:

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