Hallelujah! All I have is Christ.

May 27, 2011

Tonight was a much-needed, quiet Friday evening home.  I meant to make a productive night of it — hammering out portions of my final project for school, working on a job app, running at the gym, showering, sleeping early.

But as soon as I shut the door and realized I was the only one at the apartment, relief kind of washed over me.  Today’s mask fell from my face (so to speak), and I felt like an actress who just finished her lines and stepped offstage.  Weary of the hypocrisy.  Lamenting the disparity between who I’m said to be in Christ and who I find I really am.

The heightened self-consciousness.  Self-absorption.  More self-love than love for Christ.  The thirst for self praise.  And of all the times I spoke today, I can’t think of a single time I spoke with the desire to make much of Him.

So I dropped my bags in my room and sat for a long time with my head on my laptop.  Hating my pride.  Disgusted by my sin.  So, so disgusted.  I literally wanted to hurl.

And then lyrics to a song I’d been listening to on repeat all week came to mind:

As I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross.
And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace.

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

All week, I struggled to sing the refrain.  I still wanted Christ plus other things.  I still wanted Christ plus something of my own.  Thanks for living that perfect life, but I’m vying for some righteousness of my own, too, so I’ll only need the occasional substitute.  And do You mind if I set up just a couple small idols next to You?

Hateful, disgusting sin.

Yet God gave His Son for me.  Imputed my sin (all of it) to Him, imputed His righteousness (all of it) to me.  In-san-i-ty.

It’s one thing to intellectually assent to this truth.  It’s quite another to look my sin in the eye and declare, “Yes, Christ’s death included you, too.  Yes, Christ’s perfect record is swapped with my failure in this, too.”

I stand behind His record.  Not mine.  All I have is Christ.

The gospel.  The lunacy of it.  The truth of it.

Can I ever understand it?

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5 Responses to “Hallelujah! All I have is Christ.”

  1. bom amigo Says:

    No, at least not fully. But thank God that we are credited based on its accomplishment, and not on our best attempts to make sense of it.

    bn, ba

  2. Jenna Kim Says:

    so thankful for you and your posts, tia. you articulate really well things i’m wrestling with too, and lead the both of us to that familiar, humbling spot at the foot of the cross. thank you for that ❤

    here's another song that i think you may like:

    :]

  3. tia Says:

    encouraging words, ba :]

    jenbaaa, i listen to that song a lot, too! such a likeminded sis, i love it. haha. once i’m out of school, how ’bout we try ’em norcal waves? ;]

  4. Jenna Kim Says:

    wow! haha that’s neat!
    and definitely yes. my/your boogie board sits ready in our garage!

  5. courtneychow Says:

    Don’t quite have a comment for you….at least not one that can be shared here but….

    In light of yesterday at the least, is it sufficient communication to say…

    Oh yes, yes.


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