The Lord is our confidence.

March 25, 2012

I always meant to journal prolifically in the weeks leading up to marriage and in the weeks following, but my journal saw little of me and much less this blog.  Maybe one day I’ll learn the art of clear thinking in the midst of major life transitions, but as of now, my body just shuts down into survival mode — eat, sleep, God, amen.

But now it’s been a few months since my first Christmas with the Kims (first memory to come to mind: “chicken fight” in the pool at night, Vern on my shoulders and Paul on James’ shoulders, JohnE watching — haha), a couple months since becoming JohnE’s wife (more on that to come), and a couple weeks since my mind started processing coherent thoughts again (whew!).  And maybe one day I’ll also learn to find God just as familiar in a new city, but I realize how much I associated Him with routines and familiar people and places rather than for His own person.  But He’s the same!  If He weren’t the same, He’d need to rewrite His Scriptures again and again, as they speak to who He is.  But His Word endures forever because He endures forever.  Surely I can plant my feet on that, and I can walk steadily on that Pavement.

Many thoughts are swimming around right now, but this has been the one prevailing thought in the past few months: The Lord is our confidence.

That was a good word for me in the last few weeks before our wedding.  I wasn’t prepared for the fears that would plague me in those last few weeks.  What will our marriage look like?  What if he regrets his choice?  I’m not the prettiest, smartest, godliest, or best option in any way.  Is he sure?  What if we fail?  What if I duplicate in my marriage the troubles of my parents?  What if all of my greatest fears about marriage are played out one by one?  What will I do then?

But as we were hammering out the final details of the wedding with our venue’s staff, the Mt. Hermon wedding coordinator happened to mention that Mt. Hermon’s 2012 theme would be, “The Lord is our confidence.”  And the tired, haggard woman inside me just sat down at those words.  They spoke to every one of my fears — egocentric, myopic little things.  Because what is our confidence in this marriage?  Not our family backgrounds, not the failings or successes of our parents’ marriages, not our education, not our sheer determination for this to work out, not our good looks (I write this with a smile, but as a woman, I can’t tell you how fearful it is — humanly speaking — to think that my husband’s fidelity rests on me being more beautiful or physically charming than the next woman), not our goodness or faithfulness, not others’ confidence in us.  Our confidence is only in Christ.  That He is indeed conforming two sinners to His image.  That He indeed holds the king’s heart like a stream of water in His hands.  That this is of Him, through Him, and for Him.

Any other argument or confidence has felt like mush beneath my feet, but Christ … solid.  That the Lord is my confidence in this?  I can rest in that.  As much as I love JohnE and am assured of his love for me, I can’t bank on that like I can bank on the love of God for us.  The Lord is our confidence.  I’m so, so glad.  Knowing that frees me to really love my husband.  Knowing that frees me to practice gospel vulnerability with the one human who should especially reap the fruits of that practice in my life.  That breathes the gospel into my thinking about our marriage, because even in this, we cannot rest on our own righteousness.  There isn’t a shred of confidence in us alone.  Every bit of confidence is in Christ alone.  I love that.

And as much as the “start” was a celebration, we pray to finish well and find the celebration at the end much, much more glorious. :]

P.S. Since publishing this post, JohnE found items that needed editing — for example, I wrote “haggled” instead of “haggard.”  We make a good team.  I make the spills, he cleans up.  Happens in the kitchen a lot, too.  Hehe.

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3 Responses to “The Lord is our confidence.”

  1. Rachel Arellano Says:

    Tia, I enjoyed reading ur blog today..a lot of fears u faced I faced when I married Alex eight years ago. But the Lord has been our confidence..u will find that marriage w God as the foundation, will endure anything..u will find urself more and more in love each coming day.
    Love ya my friend..miss u tons..May God bless u and ur hubby everyday.

  2. Cassie Tenny Says:

    You can be haggled if you want, too! lol. I love you, Tia, and my little heart certainly needed to hear these words about our Father this morning. I miss you terribly, but I am so happy knowing you are living your life and joyfully! I’m so sad we missed your visit while we were on the snow trip. =(

  3. tia Says:

    thanks for the encouragement, rachel! ❤ give your 3 little ones big hugs for me please!

    cassssieeee, i miss youuuu … let's get together soon! hughughug


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