1 month.

June 14, 2013

One month ago, around this time (8:20something pm), little Ian was born.  That first day together was a daze, and he was honestly a bit of a stranger to me.

One month later, today, he finally “feels” like my son.  Of course that feeling doesn’t affect the truth that he’s my son at all, but I think my emotions and affections have started to catch up with this reality.  I love him, and I understand my friend better when she told me a couple years ago that she wouldn’t just die for her son, she’d kill for him, too.  Not in a murderous way but that Mama Bear protection over her son.

I’m starting to understand that heart.

Yet I’m also realizing that doing what’s best for him sometimes comes at a cost.  I’m sure that cost will grow as he gets older, but for now, it’s in the little things, like hearing him cry.  I can do what’s in his best interest and still hear him cry like his little heart is breaking.  It’s heart wrenching.  And I can imagine it will be harder later, watching him struggle through something and to either have no power as his mom to ease his struggle … or to fight to see the big picture and refrain from rescuing him every single time rather than watch small struggles strengthen him.  There’s a wisdom to all of this that I have yet to receive, too.  Praying.  Harder.

And I have to admit I was frustrated many times this past month, because I wanted motherhood to be an extracurricular activity.  Something I could dabble in but still have my freedom and avoid major change.  But the change has been pretty major — without, yes, but most of all within.  I’m learning to embrace motherhood a little more and to cherish it.  I do cherish it more each day, but this didn’t come naturally.  As he grows more dear though, and as God is working in my heart, the sacrifices seem less like sacrifices and are slowly transforming more into labors of love.

With my marriage, motherhood has introduced a slew of new fears, too.  I’ve watched couples go through difficulties in their marriage due to the stresses of parenthood, and I feared the same for my marriage.  But the Lord is our confidence.  The gospel doesn’t change in this season of life either.  His grace is sufficient here, too.  Lots of truths to apply and reapply and reapply.  It has been bittersweet.  Bitter to see the many fears, sweet to remember Christ is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  I’m so thankful for this unchanging Rock.

And it’s true — children are truly a blessing from God.


3 Responses to “1 month.”

  1. Lina Says:

    I think the first month is the hardest. It does get easier over time. I’m nearing the sixth month, and I definitely have a lot better handle over the crazy emotions that go with being a new mommy. Then again, new emotions have a tendency to spring up, changing your whole perspective on life. This is rewarding. Motherhood is beautiful. Yes, your relationship with your husband may feel strained at first, but that is only the growing pains that will lead to a much stronger bond. Good luck with your new bundle! They are definitely the greatest gifts of all.

    • tia Says:

      Thanks for the encouragement, Lina! And I’m grateful for a gracious husband. Seriously. ;] When I might cause reason for strain, he’s been really good about “living with me in an understanding way.” I say that to him all the time. And I’m glad the one month mark is here, but when I see Ian outgrowing his newborn clothes (and now his 0-3 month clothes soon!), it makes me so sad, too. Hehe.

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